Learned Lesson…

Learned Lesson…

You hold on for so long, to the person that did you so wrong. the love was so strong, now that he’s so gone; I guess its so long. 

My heart screaming ‘hold on…you promised!’

Memories in my brain won’t erase,

trying to refrain from letting tears fall from my face.

Tough skin but a soft heart

I’d rather you throw stones at me than say ‘I love you’ 

When I love, I love hard. No one comes above you. 

That night plays over and over again in my head.

Making sure I do everything except get in bed.

I know what my dreams will be, 

you and me how we used to be. 

Saying ‘used to be’ has no use for me…now. 

I have to say goodbye to what I thought was my forever. 

Putting my faith in God trusting he’ll give me better. 

We have eyes in the front of our heads for a reason, no looking back. 

You did the unthinkable.

I gotta get my life back on track. 

With an already bruised heart I loaded your clip,

placed the gun in your hands made sure it wouldn’t slip. 

I stood directly in front of you blindfolded, head held high.

Putting all of my trust in you, I mean why shouldn’t I??

Let you aim square at my heart and you…emptied that shit. 

Til this day that’s something I’ll never get. 

17 shots with a grin on your face

A disgrace 

I’m someone you can never replace

A real man would have strapped me with a vest,

protecting my chest.

So even if his finger did slip, my heart couldn’t get hit.

But, God blessed me after you left me there lifeless. 

He gave me something called tomorrow,

my smiles wouldn’t mean as much if it wasn’t for all my pain and sorrow.

Yes, I could have done a lot of things to get back at you.

But what would that do??

Only make me a victim of the shit you put me through. 

Instead

I got back up, adjusted my crown and chose to walk in my purpose. 

Letting young girls know to be selective with their love

Until the right man deserves it.

You’re worth it!!

Even knowing how toxic you were,

getting over you was something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do.

But you showed me that I Needed to,

cause I have some work to do 

for the generation after me, 

so from the bottom of my heart

I just wanna say Thank You!! Lesson Learned! 

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Daddy’s Girl

Daddy’s Girl

One of the hardest things that I’ve had the displeasure of going through is the passing of my father. I know there are plenty of young girls and even women in their 50s and 60s who still consider themselves to be a Daddy’s Girl. They have a different hold on your heart that when taken away, unexpectedly or at all for that matter, leaves a huge ugly scar. I don’t think I will ever heal from losing him. This isn’t one of those ‘time heals all’ situations; my world as I knew it shattered right before my eyes with me standing there in the center of it all watching the sky cave in on me. 
Like most girls I’ve planned out my wedding day pretty much to the T. I daydream about my future children and the type of mother and wife I will be one day. I can envision my future condo or house (still haven’t fully committed to where I’m going to live just yet but I have both options mapped out, lol). In my eyes my family was their very own version of The Cosby’s, we were slightly better though because there were still fights, drama and excessive but monitored drinking at just about every family function. Bringing in that element of surprise, you just never know with us. We were the Alexanders, La Costra Nostra. 

Growing up I knew how blessed I was to have them as my kin because I had friends who lived a completely different life than anything I was exposed to, and that was their norm. The only real piece that was missing from this world of mine was finding the right partner. Till this day I have no idea why I thought that would be the easy part. It’s like trying to walk up a hill backwards with cement blocks tied to your ankles and someone else pushing you Back down the hill. Damn near Impossible! Once a man became comfortable enough with the fact that I am the type of girlfriend to literally give you my last and will put your needs before mine, they would change on me. All of the nice, sweet things done in the beginning of the relationship would fade; resulting in son/boyfriends who now feel entitled to my money or me doing things for them without having to return the favor.

Which of course meant a ton of heartbreak for me because having those half and half’s(son/bfs) meant they expected to be put on a pedestal yet had no intentions of putting me on one. I’m not the type of woman who needs a man to provide for her, I can hold my own but to be catered to every now and then would light up my life!! Come home to some flowers, an already planned date night with him sitting there dressed nicely ready to take his woman out, holding my hand in public, any type of public affection gives me chills just thinking about it or simply the security of knowing I can trust you with my most vulnerable feelings and you’ll do whatever to ensure I don’t get hurt. I don’t feel as though those things are complicated but it seems to be foreign in my relationships. Once they became comfortable in their seat I was expected to shine shoes and wait hand and foot.

This has been the case for yearsssss and it has always bothered me that I haven’t received the same love that I put out. I’ve been in a lot of situations where my feelings were completely disregarded or I was played and publicly humiliated. But the blow didn’t hurt AS bad as it should have because I still had that one man in my life that would do no such thing. I still had that one man who thought I was capable of Anything; my grades weren’t the best in high school and going to a great college wasn’t really in my view but according to him I was giving Michelle Obama a run for her money. He believed in me. No matter how dramatic or out of line he might have felt I was being. He was there to show me no matter what I might be feeling we will feel together. I didn’t have to experience life alone. I didn’t have to encounter these men trying to game me, alone. When I hurt, he was crushed. Most times I truly don’t think it was because he was my father, he knew my Heart. He knew that I was trying to recreate the love he has for my mother and that my grandparents had for one another. We had an unspoken understanding that I knew he wouldn’t be here for me forever and I was looking for someone to fill his shoes. To protect my heart and lift me up. Not realizing they aren’t meant to be filled. Can you imagine as my father (and my mother) to hear how unhappy I am with the way that I look because some boy I love spent his day making fun of me. To watch me bawl for hours upon hours because no one is treating me good; to leave my house with high hopes and come home distraught cause I was set up by “friends” for blind dates that turned into a ‘how ugly or sickly do u think Amber is’ debate. Not being able to get out of bed for days because I’m so overwhelmed by it all and can’t place my finger on one good thing. Wishing I didn’t exist At All, that way I wouldn’t be in other people’s way. Shit has been REAL for me! But he never stopped holding me up; even when I had nothing left. 

So you can imagine my reaction 9am, March 10th 2014 when I got to work and received a phone call from the hospital about my father who passed out and my mother who is too ‘out of it’ to handle the situation. That one sentence alone told me something Terrible happened. My mother is the strongest being I know. Men and women included. When it comes down to her personal business or her family she plays zero games and will blow shit up if need be to get accurate results. To know something happened with my dad, and she isn’t in a good state of mind I immediately panicked; if she can’t handle what happened how the hell am I supposed to? Is all I could think at the time. After what felt like forever getting to the hospital I show up with my boyfriend looking for Tom Alexander. Once nurses and a doctor found their way to me and escorted me to a private room without explaining where the hell he was, I knew it was serious. I open the door to see half of my family there with bloodshot eyes, I can’t remember who said it but the voice echoed “he’s gone”.

I can’t even describe what I felt well enough so that you all can truly get it. I swear to you, that entire room began to spin, till this day I can bank on seeing the furniture move. Someone ripped my heart completely out of my chest, slapped me in the head with a hammer and I was on the verge of throwing up everything I had eaten in the past week. There’s NO FUCKING WAY! is the basis of what was able to come out. I literally just said “Goodnight. I love you!” to him at 11:32pm the night before. We joked a little bit before that. 

The hardest part about life is knowing that you can never plan what’s going to happen. He’s never going to walk me down the aisle; he will never meet my children or give me advice. He won’t lecture my son about the importance of being a Black Man. He’s just not going to be there the way I thought. I received my Bachelor’s degree last year (something I wasn’t always positive would happen) and he wasn’t in the audience to scream out MYYYCCEEEEEEEE!! (the nickname he gave me as a child, lord knows how he came up with it, lol!) In the blink of an eye your entire world can change. MY entire world changed. I have heard ‘oh he’s still with you, he’ll always be with you’ one time too many. Nothing compares to the physical. He was the only man to accept me and love me without a doubt. 

Being honest with you all, I’m afraid of how hurt I will get now. I’m afraid I won’t be strong enough to protect myself from the things done to me now and in the future. I still have my mother who will go to war for me, yes! But my father guarded her heart also. He was HER love. So we’re both broken right now. I’m afraid he was the one and only man to see the good in me and want to cherish and protect it. I haven’t had the greatest life experiences so I’m scared of what’s to come.

Again….this isn’t one of those time heals all wounds situations. I am legit broken; in so many pieces it can’t be put back together. The pain of losing a parent isn’t something I would wish on my worst enemy. But, I’m taking it day by day and praying for the best knowing I have a guardian angel watching over me. 

This post is for the Daddy’s Girls, the ones who know how deep that love goes no matter what his flaws or yours might be. For the girls who, no matter how old they might be still curl up into his arms or his lap for protection. The ones who know the power behind hearing his voice tell you “it’s gonna be Alright, I’m here”.
This post is for my Dad. I love you Pop, forever and always!
MYCE  

 

Chrysalis Stage

Chrysalis Stage

For the last six years I’ve been lost, trying to figure out what my life’s purpose is. Getting up every day on auto pilot; doing whatever was needed to get through the day. I wasn’t focused on my self care or mental health as much as I should have been. I didn’t really take the time to think about it until recently. Traumatic things would happen to me and I would brush it off after the tears stopped. I never took the time to heal, I never took the time to be free of the pain. I just wiped my face and went to bed, waking up the next day as if nothing happened. Now, I’m constantly asking myself, how do I fit into this world? Where’s my place? How have the things in my past effected my present and what can I do to move forward? What lifts my energy and what drains it? How can I hold onto happiness for as long as I possible? I’m taking a closer look into myself these days trying to eliminate as much pain and sorrow as possible. Sometimes a person unknowingly puts themselves in situations because pain is all they know. I had to get out of the habit of being the victim. After all, it was role I was very tired of playing. It was time to start something new.

I’ve had friends in junior high who knew what it was they wanted to do out of life and were focused on getting there. Me? I was taking it day by day. I always felt like when the day came for me to look for a career or get a real job I would just Know what I wanted to do. I feel like subconsciously it was embedded in me to be with someone, that was my real goal, to find true love. I felt as though once I found the right partner we would be able to figure out the rest. Trust me I know how bad that sounds, but that was my way of viewing life. I wasn’t as focused on a career or myself for that matter. I didn’t think I had to get to know myself because well….I’m already me. Who else knows me better? But as time slowly went on I realized I didn’t really know as much about myself as I thought. It was heartbreaking to admit. How could I waste all of these years giving my all to relationships and live in a strangers body. The only thing that I was sure of was that I didn’t like the shell I was in because I was constantly teased about my appearance. My spirit was very sad and I couldn’t take it anymore. It used to bother me a lot not knowing what I liked or disliked to do. People would ask me all the time and I would draw a blank. Until I found writing.

I am naturally a quiet, introverted person (something I am still learning to fully accept). I don’ like large crowds, too many people and things to pay attention to, don’t do well with small talk because I like to dig deep and you can’t be that way with everyone and lounging around the house watching something entertaining on TV with someone I care about is good enough for me for the weekend. I don’t care to party or be lit all the time. Writing helped me to understand this part of myself. Writing helped me to put a lot of my feelings down on paper and begin piecing together who Amber is. I got to express how I was feeling without being ridiculed. Writing helped me release everything that I was feeling but couldn’t necessarily find the words to say aloud.

One day I decided I was tired of walking in circles and needed real direction. I told myself I would use those “lost years” as a starting point. Using all of the pain, anger, confusion and disappointments as my foundation. I spent a lot of years extremely depressed and at low points that the only way to go was up. I started calling that time in my life the Chrysalis stage. Why? Simple. For me. If you know me personally then you know that I have quite a few tattoos. Walking past the mirror I took a glance at myself and realized that quite a few of the tattoos had butterflies in them or were butterflies by themselves. Without putting too much thought into it, it came to me why I like them. Caterpillars are undesirable at the start and go through life surviving the best way they know how until they come to this stage in life. Their Chrysalis stage, where all of the required changes are made to turn them into a beautiful, colorful butterfly.

That’s a perfect way to describe my “lost years”. Everything that I went through happened in order to build me into the colorful butterfly that I’m meant to be. Thinking about this made me feel a lot more confident about where I am in life. I used to feel like it was over, as if I missed my chance at happiness. But, knowing that it’s only the beginning gives me a ton of hope. I don’t feel as though I’m a fully formed, colorful butterfly just yet. I have a few more things to work on and figure out. But, I am a lot closer than I was before. Progress is always good, no matter how big or small.

My message to other young ladies out there who might be feeling defeated, as though life keeps knocking them down is…don’t give up. As simple and cliché as it sounds, that’s all the advice one needs. Keep going. Keep trying. Those obstacles are all pieces to a much bigger puzzle and the more you experience the clearer that bigger picture will be to you. Know that you are not defined by the things that have happened to you. They are simply bricks to the house that is you; the source of your strength.